SMALLS TALK: Foul Ball Etiquette

Fans go nuts over foul balls. It's how it's always been and it's how it will always be. Even if you're hanging on the game's every pitch, you can't help but get mesmerized by a foul ball's mystique. With each ball that goes up into the seats, we wonder which fan will defy the 1 in 30,000 odds and win the Foul Ball Sweepstakes. The errant hit has a power over fans, and while we may not know where it's going or who will catch it, we do know that the play will result in at least one of the following: 1) A priceless souvenir... 2) An inconsolable child... 3) A fistfight... 4) A SportsCenter Top Play... 5) A SportsCenter NOT Top Play... 6) A trip to the hospital... or last, and most definitely least: 7) Adults acting like schoolgirls.

Balls hit out of play are a real life piece of the game that suddenly become available to the fans. In the matter of seconds, a baseball went from a Big League pitcher's hand to a Big Leaguer's bat, and now it's finally come to rest, in your hands. You can't help but feel a connection - you were part of a play with major league ballplayers. It actually is pretty cool. 

But some fans simply cannot handle the foul ball experience. The instant a ball enters the crowd, they lose their minds. They want that ball - they need that ball. It's not even a ball anymore - it's a Honus Wagner rookie card, a Wonka golden ticket, and the final Horcrux all rolled into one. The survival of mankind relies on their tracking down this prize - it's the reason they were put on God's green earth. And so, like a crackhead desperate for a fix, they hunt it down, refusing to be denied and terrorizing rows of helpless fans in the process.

But fortunately, in the minds of other - dare I optimistically say "most"? - fans, foul balls are simply a fun side effect of a baseball game. These fans are at the ballpark to enjoy nine innings of America's Pastime - if a foul ball comes their way, sure they'll go for it, but you won't find them rolling around on the ground or pulling another fan's hair for the souvenir. To these more sane fans, the foul ball itself dictates who will take it home. They respect the role that luck and chance play in the foul ball experience, as well as the skill and courage that go along with actually catching it. And if it bounces off the chosen fan's hands, it simply changes direction and presents another opportunity to a different fan. As for those balls that find their way under a seat? If it's under you, reach down and grab it. No diving. No pig-piling.

DUGOUT LINGO: "Ugly-Finder"

No matter where you are on a baseball diamond, the ball will find you. The dugout is no exception. Line drives, ground balls, pop flys, you name it. Whether you're hanging on the top step or sitting by the Gatorade cooler playing movie trivia, you're closer to home plate than the players on the field. Might wanna keep your head up.

So there you are, sitting in the dugout, racking your brain trying to come up with a 'Y' to clinch another 'Baseball Name Game' victory - Yogi and Yadier have already been used, of course - and you hear that crack of the bat. It's not a loud blast, but it's solid wood. You look up and see the ball gaining ground on you. It takes some choppy bounces, but it's got some steam on it. You do your best to avoid the incoming projectile, but the ball's locked on to you - its target is picked. 

Plunk. It gets you - usually on the shin, or some pure boney spot offering little to no meat for protection. You express your pain with some expletives, the dugout erupts with laughter, and those around you offer up their best wise crack. And then, you hear it: "Ugly-Finder!"

Adding insult to injury - literally. It always comes from the other side of the dugout, and it always gets at least a couple genuine chuckles. And the beauty of "Ugly-Finder" is that the "Ugly" portion is, of course, interchangible with hundreds of insulting phrases. As you can imagine, "Ugly" is far more tame than some of the more popular options - some can get downright nasty.

So next time you're in the dugout, be ready. If a foul ball finds you, it will undoubtedly be deemed a "_____-Finder." Unless you're really curious as to how your teammates will choose to make fun of you, save yourself a bruise to both body and ego - just get out of the way.

DUGOUT LINGO Series
"Pick Him Up"
"Poo-Slinger"